without_pith

Half-public half-friends only, roughly.

There’s no need to comment to be considered for LJ friendage (though obviously you can if you feel so inclined). If you want to comment, do so on this post, please.

A few pictures of Krysti and last Friday's poetry slam at the Bridge Café. I regret not taking more.

I think I'm addicted to this poetry slam shit. The last one last Friday was pretty great. I only lament becoming not new enough to be a "judge." What can I say? I like giving my opinions of well-thought-out pieces of writing in simple, numerical form.

Too bad I wasn't feeling ballsy enough (and I grabbed the wrong notebooks, anyway) to sign up for the open mic. Maybe next time.

You know, it helps me a lot with my depression to know about things like cortisol, blood glucose levels, sympathetic versus parasympathetic states, and chemical balances. Really. It's like, "Oh, Self, you feel inexplicably sad today? It's probably because your serotonin levels are off and because you keep skipping breakfast. You douche."

So for most of this week I wasn't able to get to the Internets for non-school purposes, nor to the NHIA to meet up with Jen (writing center person); so I've been working on my poems, and reading them aloud to Krysti who has been giving me feedback, and at one point I shitfacedly phoned Angelina to read to her, but she was busy. Beyond that I guess I'm going on ~a wing and a prayer~ for Friday's open mic at the slam. Kind of scary, but cool.

This website makes me a happy nerd. It has SO MUCH STUFF!!! and the HTML and graphics look like they are run by a third grader. BUT IT HAS STUFF!!!!! I'm really close to graduation, so now I'm studying for the national exam necessary to receive my license to practise. Yeah.

Pictures from the poetry slam at the Bridge Cafe last Friday: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=41777&id=129700026&l=181feee0d9

I've got, like, three poems already finished and waiting to be reviewed by people who are smarter and more gooder at English than me. I was looking through one of my old NHIA notebooks last night and I found the result of, like, the only 20min. in-class writing assignment I actually did for my Creative Writing class. If I remember correctly, we looked at a picture of about four or five men standing and wrote as much as we could about it in twenty minutes. I was like, "Hey, this doesn't seem half-bad." So I'm currently working on expanding that and turning it into a freestyle poem. I also have an idea-in-formation about a more feminist-y poem tentatively titled "A Vindication of the Rights of the Stay-at-Home Mother." Any recommendations on anything you think might be relevant to a poem about women's work would be greatly appreciated. nerdork mentioned the idea of researching Wages for Housework for historical info, and I've had fun reading and taking notes down about that.

In less "yey"-like news, my cats have fleas. I've never had to deal with fleas before. I've done a lot of Googling on it and my laundromat is going to see a lot of business from me today. The poor boys. I only just discovered this last night when Mars was all up in my face, I was petting and kissing his forehead, and I saw what looked like insect dung. I looked closer and a fucking bug crawled through. Upon closer examination at more that were on his hind legs, they were definitely fleas. Fuck. No wonder he's been excessively thirsty lately, which I was already planning on bringing him to the vet for as soon as my next SSI check came in. Last night I bought anti-flea and tick powder and stuff to spray my rugs, clothes, and furniture with. Is this actually effective or did I waste money? What do you guys know about fleas, if anything? :(

"What's goin' on on the floor?
(I love this record, baby, but I can't see straight anymore)
Keep it cool; what's the name of this club?
I can't remember but it's alright, alright...just dance
Gonna be okay"
Lady Gaga - "Just Dance (Stripped Down Live)"

( dot dot dot )

I feel like everything I'm really learning about being responsible and self-sufficient, I'm learning from my kitties. They give me a sense of obligation and duty that I otherwise seem to have only in random spurts. If the whole massage school thing collapses like art school did*, and I'm stuck living off the government in a dinky three-room apartment with no one but my cats for years on end, it may not be half-bad.

*It won't.

"Thank you for your interest in volunteering.

The form you just filled out has been sent to the appropriate personnel and you will be contacted shortly about our great opportunities.

Again, thank you so much!"

-This is from The Manchester VNA, whose hospice care center I just sent my information off to in hopes of obtaining a volunteer position. ♥ I offered to do palliative massage care, Reiki, and promotional graphic design + photography. I hope that I'm able to earn a position there.

I managed to fix my CD-rom drive. I forget exactly how I did it. I was desperately fiddling about (Tommy reference fully intended there) in Administrative and somehow I...did it. So, yay? But then I downloaded (finally) a noCD crack both to save my game discs and to give my DVD/CD-rom drives a break. It makes my game run much faster, though it disabled my hacks and a lot of my custom content. Oh, well. Most of that which it disabled is stuff I can live without. AND DID I MENTION THAT IT RUNS FASTER? In short, stuff works and ferd_sim is happily updated and life in the world of Ferd can resume as normal.

There are apparently huge volunteer opportunities in hospice care for massage therapists and massage therapy students. Because the intent with hospice massage is making one's end-of-life experience as painless and pleasant as possible and (obviously) not about prolonging life expectancy and promoting natural healing, which would require one to have a license and experience, there is huge opportunity for students where there normally wouldn't be. The downfall, obviously, is that it can be very depressing and emotionally exhausting work for the volunteer. To me I look at it as one of the most kind areas of massage therapy one could get involved in, and as an opportunity to explore my own psychological threshold, that is, what I can handle and to what extent. It would definitely be an interesting experience no matter what the result.

WHY THE FUCK WON'T MY CD ROM WORK

YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW HOW LAME AND LIFE-LACKING I AM

THE ONE THING I NEED ON THIS DAMN COMPUTER TO FUNCTION

IS THE CD ROM

TO SUPPORT MY SIMS ADDICTION

GOD I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO PLAY ALL WEEK :((((((((((((

I felt so bad, leaving my cats for four days (aside from the occasional stop home to make sure they're fed and have fresh water). They would not stop crying for over an hour last night when I came home from Mom's. D: Mars was way more affectionate than he usually is, whereas Bacchus was giving me the ~cold shoulder~. omg but Mars was so cute; he would literally just look at me and start purring. He was like...purring on cue. I have never seen that cat purr so much in all the time that I've had him. Manslut. ♥

BUT THAT SIMS BINGE WAS SO NICE.

ferd_sim LIVES!

Contrary to popular belief, Einstein was not a genius. He had an IQ of 90: twenty points above retardation, sixty below genius. He didn't represent genius; he represented the intellectual ardency possible in anyone, an indefatigably inquisitive mind. I have an IQ of 130, the reverse of Einstein, twenty points below genius and sixty above retardation, in the "above average" range, whatever that means. I have not yet found my niche (though I sense it may be coming, what with how taken I am with basic massage therapy training and my desire to know more about holistic health philosophies). IQ doesn't represent smarts; it represents rapidity of learning. Anyone can be smart, regardless of how quickly they absorb knowledge. What it takes is perseverance, not natural deftness. That is only a bonus. Following in the same line of logic, anyone can be stupid. Anyone can go through rigorous schooling and still come out completely oblivious to the realities of the world, or so absorbed in academia that they do not even realize reality beyond their reclusive circles exists.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just know my belief in the natural abilities of humanity increase even more as I type it out. What people dismiss in the prevalent presence of apathy and hopelessness, I pour my mental and emotional resources into. I don't focus on hierarchy, I focus on social prejudices and societal prophecies that fulfill themselves and I focus on the innate ability of any one person to learn, love, grow, and anything else social liberalism bleeds out its heart for—if the social liberal in question is not merely wishing to pat him- or herself on the back for their so-called progressive and righteous form of morality and political opinion.

I don't know, as I never do, how to end this post in a way that nicely ties things up.

So what's new. I moved into a three-room apartment that's all mine. I got my very first gas bill ever in my life that is entirely my responsibility, and it was worth a whopping three dollars. I'm ridiculously obsessive about how little I use my utilities, being that they are not included with the rent. I'm bald again. I made sims out of suffragettes. I stayed up vigilant last night lest idkmybffnerdork need a midnight pep talk of somesort. She didn't. I stayed home from school today in case she needed further moral support. We rambled about Doug and Cockney accents and the plights of modern-day China. I broke only for a shrink appointment and Chinese food. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

So I did this thing where you comment and the poster gives you someone to gather pictures of and post in response to these questions. nerdork gave me Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Holla if you'd like a person; I'll hook a sistah (or a brothah, though I don't have too many male LJ buddies) up.

( MARCHING FOR HER RIGHTS MILITANTLY )

"Can't you hear my storm coming; stones falling on to you
Can't you feel the earth shaking; big dark clouds forming now
Can't you hear my sky shouting close, chasing after you
Deep, dark fear building up: it's too strong for you
And I hope you're satisfied, I hope you're satisfied, I hope you're satisfied to see the wind blow over me"
Émilie Simon - "Song of the Storm"

"I want to buy you flowers, and now I'm standing in the shop
I must confess I wonder if you will like my flowers
You are so sweet, and I'm so alone
Oh darling, please, tell me you're the one
I'll buy you flowers, I'll buy you flowers
Like no other girl did before"
Émilie Simon - "Flowers"

"Be my Romeo: please be my voice in this world
I can't sing the songs that you sing; I can't find the gorgeous words
Will you be my Romeo, my go-go Romeo?
I see you twist and turn; you look so stupid
Be my Romeo: tell me all about your love, tell me all about your pain
Baited breath and rubber gloves
Be my Romeo, my go-go Romeo
I see you twist and turn; you look so fucking stupid"
Everclear - "Local God"

"I never claimed to be your savior; I said I had a dirty mouth
Stop analyzing my behavior if you're too dumb to work it out
I've got to keep myself together; you know I hate to disappoint
A masochistic lamb to slaughter; maybe you miss the point?
I'm feeling small, I'm climbing the walls
I don't let it show..."
Garbage - "Dumb"

"I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in
And stops my mind from wandering where it will go
I'm filling the cracks that ran through the door
And kept my mind from wandering where it will go
And it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong I'm right
Where I belong I'm right; where I belong
See the people standing there who disagree and never win
And wonder why they don't get in my door
I'm painting my room in the colourful way, and when my mind is wandering
There I will go..."
The Beatles - "Fixing a Hole"

"If I'm the person that you think I am, clueless chump you seem to think I am
So easily led astray, an errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash
Then why the fuck would you want me back?
Maybe it's because you don't know me at all.
So, what I'm trying to say is, what I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it 'cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)
You don't know me at all."
Ben Folds - "You Don't Know Me"

"You done lost your marble; like a ball I'll make you dribble
You're the shrapnels in the rubble; I'm a raging bull, a rebel
It's all about the low-blow brown girl
The no blood, no love hot girl
The jnkn jnkn jumping off the decks girl
The jnkn jnkn jumping off the rocks girl"
M.I.A. - "U.R.A.Q.T."

"Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn; I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong; I pray to God that it won't be long
Do you wanna go higher?
There's nothing left to try; there's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of goodbye"
Madonna - "The Power of Goodbye"

"Every race I win (To go the extra mile)
Every mood I'm in (When it's difficult to smile)
Every thing I do (A better version of myself)
Only you and only you and only you
Every move I make (See the other point of view)
Every step I take (When there's nothing else to do)
Every thing I do (When I think I know it all)
Is all because you push me"
Madonna - "Push"

"The time I like is the rush hour, 'cause I like the rush
The pushing of the people - I like it all so much
Such a mass of motion - do not know where it goes
I move with the movement and...I have the touch
I'm awaiting for ignition, I'm looking for a spark
Any chance collision and I light up in the dark
There you stand before me, all that fur and all that hair
Oh, do I dare..."
Peter Gabriel - "I Have the Touch"

"I'm one card short of a full deck; I'm not quite the shilling
One wave short of a shipwreck; I'm not my usual top billing
I'm coming down with a fever...I'm really out to sea
This kettle is boiling over; I think I'm a banana tree
Oh, dear."
Queen - "I'm Going Slightly Mad"

"All that no one sees, you see what's inside of me
Every nerve that hurts, you heal deep inside of me
You don't have to speak - I feel
Emotional landscapes: they puzzle me
Then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this:
State of emergency; how beautiful to be
State of emergency is where I want to be"
Björk - "Jóga"

"Show me forgiveness for having lost faith in myself
And let my own interior up to inferior forces
The shame is endless, but if soon start forgiveness
The girl might live"
Björk - "Show Me Forgiveness"

The inpatient adult psychiatric care ward I came from was called Pathways. (It was not at Hampstead. I ended up going to the Elliot Hospital because Hampstead Hospital does not accept Medicaid.) It had in it some of the most beautiful souls I have come across. Some of the most fantastically driven despite the horrible things that have happened to them, the most loving and compassionate despite the cruelty of others they have suffered. I've learned just as much, if not more, about the human spirit and its undying tenacity as I have about myself and my own inner strength.

I'm practicing Italian so that I can write to a Sicilian woman I met in the ward who can't read English, and I want to start producing art with the intent to sell, thanks to the encouragement of this woman, who I also met in the ward. I already have a few $40-50 commissions from fellow (ex-)patients, which is exciting. One is a Prismacolor portrait of the children of Bella*, a twenty-three-year-old recovering Oxycontin addict whose excitement about her recovery and going to rehab is incredibly endearing. Another is of the gorgeous dogs of Edward, a mild-mannered and sweet man who loves to make jewelry. He cried for the first time in ten years today. I was honored to be one of the people he trusted to see him cry. It was an even greater honor to treat him to free massages. To see someone who is struggling so hard just to enjoy life so relaxed and at peace at my hands is one of the most gorgeous experiences of my life. I know exactly where I want to go now when I become a licensed massage therapist.

Ruby is a woman who spent fifty+ years of her life living in near-constant abuse. She is a compulsive arm-scratcher with scars all over. To replace the acts of cutting and scratching, she holds onto frozen oranges, which sting and burn her hands. The point of this is that she is causing pain that will not leave lasting damage. Sometimes she does not even realize that she has begun to scratch. That's when you simply get up, go to the freezer, and grab her an orange. In the face of her pain, she maintains a fantastic sense of humor. No one person cracked me up at Pathways more than this woman did. Today I watched her fill two pages up with all those years worth of her abuse, tear it to shreds, and vow that she will put it behind her. I cried for her. I wrote her a long letter before leaving and I left it on her bed. I told her she is loved beyond measure, the past is the past, and that letting people give her crap is not her style. She needs to fight for the happiness she deserves.

As for myself, I have a stronger sense of self than I feel I have ever had in my life to date. I'm exhausted and a little bit sad about leaving behind my new friends, but I have many new phone numbers and addresses, so it will be okay. I feel amazing. This was so worth it.


*Names changed around so to protect privacy.

Tags: cutting, depression, ferd the faggy idealist, pathways

It was Krysti's first night starting the Health Claims program last Tuesday, and I decided to head to school to catch her on her break and see how it was going (well, and also because the apartment door was locked and she kind of had the keys). I took a spill over a small hill on my way there, tripping over my right food and tumbling in two complete 360° turns onto the school parking lot pavement below. Now my right foot is sprained and I can barely move my left knee! :D I have a doctor's note to stay out of school for the rest of the week, which sucks because I...actually want to be at school. Go figure. But everything's okay, nothing's seriously injured, and I should be fine by next week.

Krysti, on the other hand, slipped on some water in our bathroom the same night, sending her hand through one of the glass panels on our bathroom door. She went to the ER and they administered nine stitches. She went back today because of unusual pain in her injured hand, finding out this is due to an infection. I do not know when she will be home.

I desperately need a massage.